While sadness is always deep when a child dies, some parents find it particularly hard. Grieving children are facing the loss of their loved one, as well as the loss of their home and way of life as they knew it. The death of a loved one is painful and difficult for adults, but for children facing loss for the first time, it can be just as confusing as upsetting. Even years after the death of a child, significant events and milestones in other children’s lives can bring on the feelings of mourning.
A child’s response to the death of a loved one will differ depending on his or her age and prior life experiences. Mourning allows your child to come to terms with their loved ones passing, celebrate their life, and say good-bye.
Your loved one will grieve far longer than you want to hear or be there. Even when you think you are ready to start moving past your child’s death, recognize that at any time, your partner might still want to discuss your shared grieving. A new partner might not acknowledge that a family needs time and space for grieving, as well as time for children to feel assured that their surviving parents still love them and will not be dying, either. One parent may feel that the other is not grieving appropriately, or that the absence of an open mourning process means he or she loves the children less.
It is also important for both parents to avoid getting caught up in the rationalization of the child’s death as Gods will, and being pressured into using it as an explanation for why the child died. Depending on their beliefs about an afterlife, they might believe they will one day see their child again in the afterlife; however, they should never deny themselves grief, nor admit they are disappointed, even angry, about their child’s death.
Grief is coming to terms with the fact that, in this case, their child is dead, someone they loved, who provided a form and a purpose for their days is now dead. You might find you are grieving, too, about the hopes and dreams you had for your child, about potentials you never realized, about experiences you will never shared. Grief changes and transforms your loved one into a new person – and that too will change and transform over time.
No one is prepared for the impact that losing a child can have on a family, and especially a marriage. In addition to dealing with the loss of your child, you might also be dealing with how to navigate your own relationship changes, or even with a couples possible loss of their marriage. If you were struggling with your relationship prior to your loss, seeking counseling is all the more critical. In the weeks, months, or even years after a child’s death, you and your spouse will need to work together in order to prioritize your marriage.
Telling your children what happened will also build their confidence in you and help them better process the loss of their loved one. The power of the parents greatest fear needs to be met by the still greater power of love in order for such tremendous losses to be tolerated. It is grief that we endure throughout our lives, and sadly, only those who have traveled down the road of losing children can comprehend the depth and width of both the grief and love that we carry. I wish people understood that the pain is eternal, as the love is eternal; that losing a child is not one, finitive event, but an ongoing loss, one that unfolds moment-by-moment throughout our lives.
