If you want more information about how you can help a friend who is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, please consult the U.S. Department of Health’s Bureau of Womens Health, or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for counseling. It may be difficult to acknowledge or admit you are in an abusive relationship – but help is available. If you believe a friend or someone you know is in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, it can be difficult to know what to do. If you are experiencing an abusive situation, things can really seem confusing, especially if this is your first relationship.
Some abusive partners might use manipulative tactics, which may leave you feeling insecure and confused about your emotions and which steps to take. Your abusive partner might use these incidents to manipulate you, portraying them as evidence that you are an abusive partner. After an episode of violence, it is normal for you and your abuser to try and minimize what happened by using apologies, excuses, or promises of change. Your abusive partner might at other times behave lovingly toward you, and they might actually feel bad about their terrible behavior.
In other words, you might keep loving and staying with the partner who is engaging in abusive behavior because you cannot believe that this is happening. While there is nothing that you have done to warrant such an arrangement, there are certain mental health conditions that can cause you to unknowingly participate in these types of relationships and to become attached to a violent partner. Childhood trauma and having an insecure or anxious attachment style can also increase your chances of starting and staying in a romantic relationship with an abusive partner.
The trauma from what you went through can remain with you long after you leave an abusive situation. Sometimes, you question if you are envisioning abuse, but the emotional or physical pain you are feeling is real.
If you think you may be experiencing emotional abuse, turn to friends and family members for validation (and a reminder you are not alone). Start by telling someone-whether a friend, loved one, healthcare provider, or another close contact-about the abuse. You want to be someone that your friend feels safe talking to in case things get dangerous, but they might need some time before they acknowledge even themselves to be experiencing the abuse.
They may feel personally responsible for the behaviors in their relationships, or like they brought the abuse on themselves, but assure them this is not true. You planted that seed, and your friend might have shame that needs working through before something bigger happens. Keep in mind, much of their own agency and control has been taken away from them by the person who is abusing them, so it is your job in that situation to rebuild it.
If your friend is planning on ending things in their relationship, you should make a plan for safety together with your friend, because the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is after a separation. There are safety precautions that you can take to keep yourself safe and prevent your partner from finding out about your plans. If You Stay If at this point you choose to remain with an abusive partner, there are coping mechanisms you can use to make things better for yourself and protect yourself and your children.
Avoid doing anything that might empower abuse or put your loved one in danger, emotionally or physically. Relationship abuse can be deadly, and you should never hesitate to take strong action if you believe someone is in danger of being physically or sexually hurt.
When someone is constantly hearing, “You are worthless, you cannot do right,” having a supportive friend or loved one may be the antidote. Not only are you out of control, you are not even free to disagree with any opinions or statements, as the abusive partner sees that as a sign of disrespect.
